The Myth of "Making It"

Last month was rough. Everyone says I made it through the stress remarkably well, but that doesn't mean it didn't take a lot out of me. And I've had little energy in the last few years to begin with.

Still, this month has mostly been better. There have actually been some positive health shifts. I'm reading more, if just in tiny little chunks. I got myself back into Clair Obscur (again). And I have been trying to put as little pressure on myself as possible so that I can actually enjoy doing things again. My brain has this awful habit of turning everything I do into work. Into checklists, trying to prove myself worthy, and fuel for producing writing, "the only thing that really gives me worth".

At one time, telling myself that everything I do is a means to inspire my writing was good motivation. It helped me to enjoy my hobbies and interests more. But these days, tying each and everything I do to writing sucks the joy out of it. Including the writing, itself. I feel like the last 10 years I've had stumble after stumble with wanting to prove myself as "an author", "a professional writer", or whatever way I wanted to present myself online.

It's exhausting, and I can't keep doing things this way. It's weird timing to say this, seeing as I am hopefully putting out a poetry book soon. I "should" be ramping up for promotion. Maybe taking preorders. Hype, hype, hype. It's hard to "make it" as a self-published author. Or even a traditionally published one. The truth is... I don't have it in me. Maybe I never did, but either way, I definitely don't now.

So, I'm not going to "make it" as a self-published author. Sorry. Maybe you feel bad for me. That I'm "giving up" my dream. I felt bad for me, too. For years, all writing related thoughts made me feel bad. Every time I would get close to loving it again, something would get in the way. Eventually, I had to "abandon" my novels for poetry because the pressure of putting out another novel was just too much.

And I miss the world of my novels. I hope I can go back there. I've been trying. Trying to believe again. Not in publishing. In magic. In love. In stories. In music: because that's what usually leads me there.